Marriage Break Up

[One of the crowd]

Anyone else been through it?

With kids?

Going thru hell at the moment.

[Fugitive1979]

Sorry to hear that, mate.

[andmaste]

I am so sorry for you, too.
I really hope things will be better.

[redsock]

Real sorry to hear that matey.

[Pani]

Sorry to hear that! I'm divorced, too, but we split without children and it
was aaaages ago. Today we ring up eachother from time to time ...

[Shopper]

Am sorry !

My elder bro went through one after 10 years of marriage ! They went to counselling etc, but in the end they just decided to end it. They didnt have kids, so it was rather painless, but GA state in USA offers one of the quickest divorces (1 month), unlike others when you have a separation period etc. So he was still in a bit of a daze, when the final papers went through.

It is obviously a very personal thing and you have to stay positive, I am hoping that all reconciliations proved void and this was the final step, because very often its better to keep the -vity away, than stay together for the sake of kids and affect them with the regular tension.

During the proceedings, My bro really reconnected with lots of his supportive friends, went back to his loves (which he neglected) like theatre, art, music, exercise etc and felt a lot better in time. He's now re-married with a wonderful woman and has an adorable 1 yr old ! So while it may seem like the end of the road, it neednt always be..

Take care

[Vince]

Sorry to hear about it mate take care..

[psb-freak]

Sorry to hear that.

My parents got divorced when I was 8. I can´t remember anything of it but only remeber when I got to hear it. My dad had found new woman and it was really weird. But we were kids and we took it quite ok. I hated the new place where we moved. I still couldn´t go back there anymore. Luckily my dad didn´t get along with that woman so well after one and half a year. So we moved back together. My parents thought about getting married again but didn´t. My dad hadn´t married the other woman. She had 3 very nice kids.

[glennjridge]

yes sorry to hear.
I remember that chris rock joke about marriage divorce and nelson mandela

"Marriage is so tough..... Nelson Mandela got a divorce.
Nelson Mandela spent twenty seven years in a South African prison, got beaten and tortured every day for twenty seven years, .....and did it with no problem.

Made to do hard labor in hundred degrees South African heat for twenty seven years .....and did it with no problem.

He got outta jail after twenty seven years of torture, spent 6 months with his wife and said.. I can't take this shit no more! - Chris Rock

[stoo]

been through it myself, the only advise I can give is to talk, and to try to keep the lawyers out of it as much as you can. As far as the kids are concerened, I managed to win full custody of mines which is rare, but shows it can happen,

[One of the crowd]

Thanks a lot for all your kind words. I know I don't know any of you personally but it means a lot.

To the person who PMd me, a public thanks to you.

I'll get through it.

[skyhigh]

try and think about yourself first, however hard. Get yourself sorted and it'll benefit your kids in the long run.

[joncool5]

Good luck mate...

[ScubaWeeble]

Hi One of the crowd,

Yes, I did back in 2004 after 10 years of marriage. We didn't have kids though...

All I can say is try and STAY STRONG and you will get through it!

(BIG BIG BIG HUGS)

[RaciePSB]

Anyone else been through it?

With kids?

Going thru hell at the moment.

It's awful. Sorry to hear it. Yes, been there.

Are you certain there is no hope of working things out? Have you had counselling? Do either of you still have feelings?

There are some hard and fast rules, regardless.

Here's Racie's Divorce Survival Guide, written especially for you.

1. Never, ever, ever, ever run each other down to the children, or within hearing of the children. If you need to talk or vent your frustrations, or cry, do it alone or with a friend - not to or around your kids.

2. Make a pact, right now, that you will raise the children together, and always present as a united parenting front to the children. Mum and dad aren't together anymore, but their parents are. This will mean not relocating to someplace else, however much you might like to right now. The children need access to both of you, and to know you are team in support of each other on any issues that crop up for the kids.

3. Try to meet regularly as a family for dinner, lunch, or just coffee and shakes for the kids, every so often. This will let the children see you interacting in a healthy way together. If there's a third party involved, leave him or her out of it, unless you both have someone new to bring along. The kids love to see the grownups in their lives getting on well. They can potentially have all sorts of screwed up feelings, may feel guilty about liking a new stepparent for example.. and this is why it's great for them to see you getting along (okay, pretending to get along!)

4. It's going to hurt like hell seeing your kids with another fatherfigure in their lives. You can't let the kids know this though. If you have any issues with each other's new partners, you need to discuss them. Don't make the ex a go-between, go straight to the source and air your grievances in a respectful way, and even though you feel like punching him out, thank him for how great he is with the kids and show appreciation. Stay on side at all times, because believe me - you don't want to ever fall out with the other side. Don't try to be too friendly either. Just civil and amicable will do.

5. Everything you do must be in the best interests of the children. Make all decisions with their happiness in mind. Ask them regularly how they're feeling about things. Involve your ex in addressing any problems that arise, and let the children see that you're committed to raising them as a team.

6. The single greatest gift you can give your children is to be happy yourself. Children don't grow up to love themselves, feel secure, and be at peace with the world and content in their lives because you love them, they grow up with self love and self worth if they see YOU respect and love yourself. They learn by example. So no matter how things are for you, let the children see that you value and love yourself. (I saw this on Oprah so it's gotta be true! ) Even the fact that you have saught a divorce can be a good thing. It's shown the children that you aren't settling for a life that is less than happy. You're putting your needs first, and in doing so you're benefitting the children who are observing healthy self-love. You are not a matyr, and neither will they grow to be. So the divorce may be a blessing in disguise, albeit a painful life lesson to the children in making changes in order to improve your life.

7. Avoid happily married couples for a while. Get in touch with your single or divorced friends, but avoid getting caught up in bitterness and negativity, it's contagious!

8. I don't know your circumstances, obviously. But if you're single, put yourself out there again just to test the water. It's great for the confidence. Get an online dating profile up and running, if for no other reason than a boost to the ego. Aim to meet somebody new every week. Plan one fun thing to do every day.

9. There are going to be things you need to discuss with your ex. Maybe about schooling, custody, visitiation, maintenance, ground rules you want them to abide by at the other house as well as your own.. If you can't seem to argue constructively, do it with a trained mediater. Your countries equivalent of our 'Relationships Australia' should have information on a community mediation service. Use it - it's invaluable to have a nuetral third party there to buffer any heated discussions.

10. Go get your copy of Bilingual and play track number five, LOUD! Amp it up, and dance around your room naked, baby! Se a Vida E, I love you!

Good luck!

This too.. shall pass.